What the eye doesn't see

You might wonder why I don't write more about how grateful I am not to have a nephrostomy any more. I wondered why I didn't think about it much, and decided dealing with post op unpleasantries and getting used to the new drainage system's quirks and foibles kind of obscured any benefits of the change at first. Also I began to realise that a lot of the time I had managed to blank out the general day to day impracticality and discomfort of it just to survive it with a smile intact.

There has been a lot of unhealth stuff to deal with in the last few years that for me personally I've found best dealt with by filing away in a big file labelled 'Don't'! Don't go there, don't dwell, don't pick at it because it won't get better and you'll only make it hurt more in the meantime. For instance, when they told me there was nothing they could do for my cancer I declined further scans to check on it's spread. I know this wouldn't work for everybody but I couldn't see the point in putting myself through the extra stress. If I felt OK why would I want to know I wasn't? If I didn't feel OK and the news was bad how would knowing exactly how bad it was help me feel better in myself? Some people prefer all the details, I know, but it's worth remembering there are other ways of approaching the situation if you should find yourself in it.

Anyway gradually I'm becoming more aware of the advantages of not having a nephrostomy, and now the hole in my side has healed and my tummy muscles recovered from the surgery enough to get from sitting to lying and back, I have had my first proper bath in over two years! You were wondering what the smell was weren't you? This is worth at least fifteen gratitudes... I can have proper get wet all over showers now too of course, and they are great for getting clean, but a bath is about warmth and comfort and pampering. For someone who never has more than the occasional hello or goodbye hug it makes up for a lot of the cuddles and physical affection missed from humans big and small and furry pets...

I'm also grateful for a great evening with Jared, including a delicious meal and some very pretty local scenery. Apparently being by the sea might make you happier...http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/education-17743980 and being happier might help keep you well http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-17733371. Remember you heard it here first folks!

I give thanks for savasana, for bluebells blooming on the scrubland behind the rubbish bins here and that my knees hurt horribly because it means I've been for a short walk. I wanted to go down through the little park opposite Thatcher Rock which I haven't done for years, and where Jared had never been. It was so picturesque in the slanting evening light. What you couldn't see close to is that moored behind it was a very large grey warship!