Try to remember

Plan A was to get up and get out early today, as there were a couple of things I had to do in town and I'm usually more mobile and pain free in the mornings...but this morning, after a bad sad night, even getting to the kitchen for my cuppa was really more than I'd do if I didn't have to. I give thanks I spotted the mother ship coming into land when I opened the curtains though, and could hover on one leg long enough to take a snap.

I'm grateful I had a plan A anyway...and that I was already feeling defeated before I rang the Radiology Appointments Office to book my MRI, as when I did the myth of the four to six weeks wait was busted with the news they had nothing for the visible future (at least a couple of months) and would get back to me. 'Are you planning to go anywhere?' enquired the man on the other end of the line and I burst into tears as the last of the tether slipped through my fingers explaining how impossible that was. I give thanks for trying to be quiet and polite about it of course... And with the gentleman who called me later to ask me when the scan was booked for so they could schedule a follow up 'about two weeks' later. Twelfth of Never this post should maybe have been called...

I give thanks for reminding myself it doesn't matter if I feel I cannot cope with this...I have to anyway. And for checking out the feasibility of 'going private', there isn't any but it was healthy to feel for a moment I might be able to do something to help myself.

I give thanks for a mercy mission from Mima whisking me to the big recycling bins, Post Office and supermarket. It wasn't just practically useful but also socially as it's been a couple of weeks now since I had any face to face contact with anyone whose face I know, and half an hour or so being with a human did me good too.

I give thanks for spending most of the afternoon on the sofa watching catch up TV...which goes against so many grains I'm surprised I didn't produce a bag of flour in the process but which was a little bit comfortable, a little bit warm and, as long as I kept my headphones on, a little bit of respite from the bickering, stamping neighbours. I give thanks for listening to them reminding me when you can't do anything to change a physical situation you can still adapt your state of mind. I should be really good at this by now with all the practice I've had, so I guess I just have to try harder...and try harder not to be so hard on myself when I fail. Inside I'm not just dancing, I'm doing the best that I can...