Night swimming

Last night was the oposite of the one before and I don't recall even the tiniest bit of gratitude anywhere. I didn't open anything except my mouth except to utter expletives, and although I was dimly aware I had blessings they all seemed in heavy disguise. Shame on me! I did try a bit of light breast stroke supine on my bed (I've heard that swimming is good for stretching out the nerve knots but lack a pool or the ability to easily lie on my tummy) and that sort of made me smile a bit at the desperation of the ludicrous situation, but it didn't stop the hurting.

This morning I was grateful when the shower light bulb blew and didn't blow the lighting circuit, as I sure as heck don't feel like going up ladders just now. I don't feel this is quite the time for balancing on the sides of the bath with my arms above my head either so it'll be dusky ablutions for a while with maybe a candle if I keep my hair out of the way... I gave thanks for the instructions on a water filter replacement cartridge which suggested you use the water from the first two flushings to water the plants. I've always wondered about that...

I give thanks for getting to my spinal assessment, remaining chipper and not uttering any expletives when I was made to do painful things, and hear the possibility (I'm aware of) that there could be a tumour spoken out loud, though the general conclusion is that it's fairly standard L4-L5 stuff and an MRI is needed to confirm. No, what got me was the information that there's a 4 - 6 week wait for this... that brought tears to my eyes and a lump to my throat and I could hardly speak for disappointment.

There was quite a long wait for a taxi when I escaped. I was grateful I remembered to feel sorry for the woman, she must see so much distress when she tells agonised people they just have to carry on being agonised for now... but mostly I just felt sorry for myself and was trying really hard not to start snivelling in the entrance corridor. So I gave thanks I discovered free WiFi there (unlike some establishments I visit, ahem!) and look for distraction which I found in a random message from Colin not long arrived, so I could have a bleat back. I don't mind always having to go to consultations and procedures on my own but sometimes, just like any other patient, I have feelings I wish to express before or afterwards that are not for the ears of strangers.

I give thanks for the sunshine anyway, the blue sky and sea, and for sorting out some paperwork of both the literal and virtual kind. I give thanks for making light of the situation later on social media, making other people smile... For an online natter with Jan, and kind offer from Liz. For buying myself a new calendar with pictures of scenery and vowing somehow to find something to write on it soon that's not a bleeping medical appointment. I give thanks I know it's good to live in the present...but something in the future to look forward to would do me good in the present too!