OK

I felt quite sorry for myself last night, so I give thanks for accepting this is perfectly OK in the circumstances. My joints were too sore to get in the bath, my renal restlessnesses too ferocious to sleep and, despite my best efforts, worries about money and illness kept returning to my mind. For a while there I even wished I had someone to talk to, and then recalled the incredibly unhelpful things folk sometimes say...and was very grateful I did not! I did give thanks I've read a book by a neurologist that explained the processes behind that very human trait of considering one's own blessings plus others' misfortunes to be justly deserved in some way (though not, of course, the other way around!) and resolved that next time someone is being insufferably smug I can be secretly smug back because, I know it's a trick of evolution that causes their lack of empathy.

I gave thanks a chance remark yesterday led me to the idea of having breakfast out today, as I had to go up the street to post some stuff before lunchtime. There's a place I've had a delicious mini eggs Benedict a couple of times - such a treat to find something I can eat on a menu, and that feels more special than something I'd make. And, after a poor night's sleep for checking the restaurant website and seeing this treat had been dropped before leaping (relative term) out of bed. Later I gave thanks for finding another bigger, pricier version at a cafe a few doors away, deciding I was worth it and the spending freeze run to it...though also for waiting until the place was less teeming with clientele as my stumbles and fumbles and clumsy table manners make me hard to be close to, I know.

I give thanks for letting myself take it as easy as I wanted to for the rest of the day, as motivation and mojo have done a rather understandable vanishing act for now. For my oncologist's appointment coming through, and it being with a woman I saw some years ago before she had to take time off while her own cancer was treated. She seemed quite reasonable and approachable even before having this eye opening life experience, but I do find these meetings very wearing on the spirit, and the body when I have to be there for 10 and will have to be up at what seems to me on a non dialysis day as seriously stupid o'clock!