Strong

If you'd asked me at a miserable three in the morning how I felt about my lack of close friends and family you'd have got a very different reply to three in the afternoon doing a spot of seasonal shopping. I love the giving but the getting is getting increasingly difficult, so I give thanks for not having to carry many presents very far, and for encountering a fair number of other folk shopping local while I did. For the pleased faces of those on the tills as purchases were made.

I give thanks for picking up my present to myself from the sorting office, an as new jigsaw for that happy day when at least some of the wallpaper is on the walls, the furniture back against them and the table is clean and clear. For relatively pleasant weather, not too cold or wet or windy, even a little sunshine now and then. For hummus and salad and bits for tea - just some garlic bread to heat up, hardly any dishes to do and time to devote to recuperation and snoozing.

I give thanks for finally receiving the PIP letter confirming my benefit rise. The ESA team have still got to decide if I'm fit to work, but a few people I know have hinted they think I am (if I just tried a little bit harder a little more often) so must not become complacent just yet. What I can do however is to start looking around for a cleaner, and I give great thanks for even the thought of that!

Also in the post was a follow up letter from oncology noting my extreme reluctance to have more of the chemo I had before. For those who consider I'm being a wuss about that too I draw your attention to the twelve hour treatment sessions (with no transport provided), the twenty four hour vomiting sessions...and recurrent TIAs, which may have been co-incidental but would I want to put that to the test?  Remembering how ill I was on the therapy when younger and fitter and not needing dialysis, I truly cannot see how I could fit the two together let alone survive them now. And it would still only be palliative care...and I'd still be in renal failure...there'd be no happy ending at the end.

Hmm, I give thanks for my blog for letting me think out loud! For the patient listening and sound advice I provide to myself when in need. I give thanks for my strength. Physically it's diminishing maybe, but growing in other ways...