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Hello folks. As Bob explained I arrived home mega tired having had little sleep or even relaxing rest for over a week and though much is in my head waiting to be said on here or elsewhere much dossing is much more important! I'm still rather sore especially when moving around but all in all astonishingly well so soon after such a major procedure as a radical cystectomy. Frequent tears of wonder and joy that the local man for the surgery is also the national lead(ing light) in enhanced recovery for urological operations. More on that later.

Made my first cup of tea myself earlier... Gratitude for bone china mugs and 'proper' tea! Gratitude for my pretty flat welcoming me home...you come up the unadopted road to the terrace and think 'what is this dump?'...you walk up the drippy mouldy stairwell and think 'yuk!' and then you come through the door and think 'wow!'. For comfy sheets and pillows, cushions and throws. For the kind of food I like to eat. That the weather is less spectacularly summery so I'm content to be flat bound for a little while. That Avatar is on C4 tonight. I've been meaning to see that film ever since it came out. What excellent timing!

Back by the sea.

Gabi's got home safely, and is understandably very tired!

She sends thanks for all the cards, and extra thanks to Helen for picking her up from the hospital and some groceries along the way, and to Jared for turning the groceries into a lovely greek salad with garlic bread. It's all really appreciated!

A new update from Gabi will be coming soon...

Nearly hometime!

Everything seems to be going well, so the nestrophomy and stent are coming out today, and then Gabi should be heading home tomorrow! Looking forward to chilling out with some on-demand TV and functional internet, no doubt! I'm sure that more visitors and cards would be appreciated, although she sends thanks for all your comments and thoughts so far.

There's also one extra impressive good bit of news, but I'll leave that as a surprise for her to tell you about. So today, let's be thankful for medical science and the power of positive thought!

Connect 5

Thank you for my visitors - friends Rachel, Laura, Peter and Clive so far. And dear urology specialist nurse Karen Green who has been with me from diagnosis day and helped set this next step in motion
For some lovely nurses and patients in my bay
For brushing my hair first time since Friday am and (after a rest of course - Lynn will know what I mean!) having my first shower and shampoo)
For dear Bob for his help and support...let's all send healing vibes to his laptop now!
And to you for finding happy things to say. I arranged the weather to give you all a helping hand I'm sure you realise! Hope all of you doing well, especially Tony, Juanita and Carol.

Further Update...

Hi again, more news from Gabi. She's been able to check the internet (as seen in the post a couple of hours ago) as is very grateful for your lovely comments, and the stoma is doing its job so progress is good. Regarding the recovery, she's improving daily. Even managed to eat a cinnamon whirl yesterday, so as long as she gets nice food brought in she'll be ok!

Phone signal is scarce and internet is even scarcer, so best point of contact is to visit or send a card, both of which would be much appreciated anyway. Any of the aforementioned visitors or cards should be directed to Lyme Ward, you'll be able to find the full address through a quick trip to Google.

angels and demons

I'm grateful i've been for a walk to the washroom
...for the breeze on my back
...for eating (most of) my lunch
...for wonderful itu nurse (angel of) Mercy
...for managing to at last subdue hospital internet demons and log in and (i hope) send this.


Hope Bob will log in soon and tell you more

Good news...

Hi there, Bob here, bringing you a quick update.

Just had a phone call from the hospital, and it's news to be thankful for! They said Gabi's coming round from the operation and is doing really well.

Enchantment

Great thanks for the piper in town today. That's a bagpiper busking on the pavement. It's a very evocative sound for me and I actually detoured from my route to the sea front to find where it was coming from, following the thread of noise (very faint at first - I was quite a way away) like an audio bisto thread. After crossing the road to put some money in his bag pipe bag I promptly burst into tears which might have made people think I was paying him to stop! Not at all, he was transporting me back to years even before the nature table...to when I was the person I was before the world got hold of me. I'm tearing up again now with the emotion! What a wonderful treat for me...

It was just after seeing this flower, between a brick and a hard place but determined to bloom and be free! Isn't it splendid? Gratitude too for the crashing spray hazed waves...




Thank you to Rachel for a pot of posh organic face cream liberally laced with geranium...oh and excellent acupuncture of course! And also to Janet for showing me and helping me secularise a saying which I've since seen 'aligned' to more than one religion...'What if tomorrow you only had what you were grateful for today?' I don't believe it matters which name you believe 'God' has, as long as you know they all mean love and act accordingly. I know it matters that you know that!

As I've said elsewhere, I'm not really nervous though I suspect a butterfly or two will escape when they make the first incision...Thank you so much for all your love and support. I'm sure that is the reason why. Watch this space!

Bright idea

Thanks to everyone who has sent me good wishes and especially to Pat for the approapriate 'post' card. Apologies for not saying thank you personally to everyone...wouldn't it be nice if everything in life had a 'like' button eh? And a pause button and a volume control ha ha! Deb I so know what you mean about catkins...it's like you're back to being five and full of wonder!

I've done most of the things I feel I have to do for myself before I go in and am extremely grateful that it is windier and cloudier today and I won't feel the need to linger (long) on the seafront but can grab my acupuncture and red bush tea bags and come home and do some that I'd like to. Cleaning the windows was such a 'bright' idea as, from experience after previous hospital visits I don't suppose I'll do much but look out of them for a while after I'm home and I'm loving it already. Gratitude too for Orbit which I've just finished catching up with for visual wonders too far away to see through them.

I give thanks for the good health of Sarah on the DLA phone line who clearly hasn't ever been hospitalised herself as she insisted I couldn't tell them today I would be tomorrow in case the operation was cancelled. She seemed to be under the impression that the ward clerk should pick up the phone when I went past on the way to theatre...Bless her cotton socks!

I give thanks for the good advice from Kostas regarding health and states of mind. I give thanks that, out of all the inmates on Death Row, I was paired with him to write to. I know I've sometimes joked that I had the kind of upbringing serial killers use as an excuse but I certainly didn't expect someone who matched me in other ways... Thank you too to Helen the coordinator for a fine bit of coordination there.

Thank you to Bob for offering to put updates on here. I've reminded him it has to be good news!

Clear improvement

Continuing the theme of appreciation of the everyday I decided to look more closely around me on the way to the recycling bins and give thanks for a bush all a-twitter with invisible birds, a cat stretched out full length asleep on a doorstep in the sun (in a different place from the bush obviously!) and this pretty tree with tiny cones and enormous catkins.

I would like to express gratitude to Janet for another excellent Reiki today. I felt really great afterwards and decided to ditch finishing doing the shopping and have tea and cake at a cafe. My favourite cafe, the kiosk one on the east end of the beach had been trialling the idea of selling 'proper' cake (ie. not pre-wrapped long life slices) and I wondered if they had any left because that was where I wanted to be... so I trundled along to see and of course they did, they had one slice remaining of carrot passion waiting for me! Apparently the trial has been a great success and they are going to be expanding the range. Oh deep joy...

I give thanks for a good Mothers' Day parcel from Bob with some lush Lush handcream and Bailey's truffles. And for a pair of damask pillow cases in a charity shop just waiting to be turned into new cushion covers for the living room. I also express gratitude for finally finding a good way to clean my third floor windows. Well the bottom half of them anyway. You have to be well over six foot to see out of the top parts so that can wait until I find the right kind of long bendy thing or grow another thirty feet so I can do them from the outside!

Buttons

Thank you to those who have had a go at being grateful on here. It's harder than you might think at first and doesn't come naturally to the majority of British adults - years of cultural instruction and practice means we are so much better at grumbling or criticising and we are always quick to add a qualifying clause to accompany any praise or appreciation! 'Great weather,' we say 'Bet it won't last!'. But for maximum benefit I find it works best to name or describe the joy and then put a full stop and leave it at that.

'I love the smell of fresh roast coffee' produces more positivity than 'I love the smell of fresh roast coffee...wish I could afford it every day!' Or ..'.better than that rubbish they have at work' or even '...funnily enough it used to make me sick when I was pregnant' which add a little negative shadow to cancel the effect out. I've set some poor examples sometimes I know but I'm only a beginner too and one of my particular failings is to describe the hassles that preceded the happinesses to show how extra grateful I am, or how things can be turned around.

Thinking how grateful you are things are NOT currently horrid works too but requires more effort not to focus on the perceived impending doom, causing stress and anxiety again. I really encourage you to read the book Why Kindness is Good for You and remember I'm trying it myself not just because I'm an airy fairy curly haired hippy and want to spread peace and love man but also because a number of studies have shown that consciously counting your happiness instead of your hassles increases physical well being as well as mental health. It can increase life expectancy and help you to enjoy the extra time more!

I give thanks for laughter

I give thanks for love

I give thanks for home comforts and all the unsung bits and bobs we use unthinking every day - clothes airers, nail clippers, washing up liquid, loo roll, plugs, pens, keys...

I give thanks for the table cloth I bought before Christmas at Homebase for £4.99 that covers most of an unfinished bedroom wall

I give thanks for Penny Brohn guided meditations, my mp3 player and earphones

Over to you

I hope you're practising expressing gratitude. Practise it right here right now! There must be one or two things that make you go 'oooh!' each day. 'Oooh!', remember, not 'ow!' Though sometimes if you look at an 'ugh!' another way it can become an 'oooh!' or an 'aah!'

I'm grateful for sleep and for my deep sleepiness that is putting brakes on 'I must do this and that'.

For a chilly day that adds to the need for warmth and cosy comfort.

I give thanks for resting (yesterday) on the seat in the wall between the railway and the sea, a train rushing by and ruffling my hair. Ruffling my hair!

I am grateful the Olympic torch is crossing our bridge here 'on foot' as it were. I'm not quite sure why as I'm neither sporty nor patriotic but maybe it's because I like that we are a forgotten backwater most of the time and then briefly reappear on the map in big letters.

That's reminded me of Muse on the Den and Adrian saying on Facebook: 'There's a local band playing in the park if anyone's interested' Ha ha! Many retrospective smiles from that weekend...

I give thanks for a wonderful dream I had the other night in which I made not only a sudden and miraculous recovery from my operation but from my kidney problems too. I was bounding around like Zebedee...it was great!

I give thanks that, if all goes according to plan, this is the last time I have to wait for a community nurse to change my nephrostomy dressing.

There you go...now over to you...what are you grateful for?

Blues

I give thanks for the blue of the sea and sky...
For having the physical strength to get there to enjoy them
And the mental strength to abandon all the things I 'ought' to be doing so I could
I give thanks for kind words from Ivor and Kostas
For Jenny doing some cleaning for me
And Tesco bringing some food

Point of contact

Yesterday wasn't my favourite day ever. The bit when I stayed in bed was OK but then I got up and found a message from a friend cancelling meeting up for a picnic today. Then I went down to see if there was any Mother's Day post and there wasn't... What there was, however, was water dripping down the stairwell again. It's been flowing from the overflow upstairs for a few days but I thought the mended flat roof was containing it. It's not.

I haven't tried to contact the freeholder as I just wasn't in the mood for the kind of things he'd say even if he did actually answer the phone. So I emailed the various authorities who have been assisting me (and who already know I'm due for surgery next week) with an update and a reminder that if they can force action I'd prefer the water not be redirected through my kitchen again...

And then I heard that dear Carole had died...and cried. You might say I didn't really know her as she was just a virtual friend but sometimes you feel you have a better connection with people you haven't met than those you have. It was the second death I'd heard of this week. The friend's mother I visited in hospital in the summer had died as well. This was some time ago but I hadn't been told which made me rather sad too though she was 90 and frail so it wasn't really unexpected.

These are times when it's hard to feel grateful. These are times when I wish for things I haven't got and even the things that please me have a 'but' clause like 'I give thanks for a beautiful sunny day but I wish I didn't have to spend it alone'. It's only 'natural' and 'human' to feel heavy hearted sometimes but I prefer to keep those sort of thoughts out of my head and certainly off here as far as possible so moan over.

I'm grateful I managed to mend my merchant's chest alone and unaided (apart from my Wonder Woman suit - the chest is another sort of heavy!)
I'm grateful to Nat who paid for it on his credit card as didn't have one at the time.
I'm grateful for a mindless TV fest last night and left over spinach and feta pie.
I'm grateful for a beautiful sunny morning.
I'm grateful that it's quiet.
I'm grateful for pain killers and pillows and mugs of tea and the printed portals to other worlds we call books.

Alan Bennett's lines about reading about things you thought maybe only you thought ended 'it is as if a hand has come out and taken yours'. I'm grateful for the contact.

Finally a query...has anyone heard of or used justvisiting.com? Seems like a good idea but a customer review would be appreciated!

For a friend

This evening I give thanks for Carole. Some people are special...you feel privileged to know them even a little bit. Some have a special talent for making YOU feel special too and Carole was like that. She had a way of seeming to be really listening and caring even though many of us who will miss her never actually had a 'real' conversation with her.

She touched many lives...and included us in hers. I am so pleased she isn't suffering any more but so sad she couldn't stay. My heart goes out to her family. If her internet friends are grieving how devastated they must be even though I know she'll have done her best to make them strong. Special thoughts to Rab, Dj and James tonight.

More joy of bed

Big tired. Big lie in. More pain. More pills...Boo! But the opportunity to loll around...hurray!

I would like to express gratitude for my pretty new bedroom wallpaper...
For having the money to buy it and a bedroom to put it in...
To Laura for putting it on the wall...

Only the wall behind my bed is completely completed so far but very inviting it looks and promising of things to come in other parts eventually.




For a little patch of blue sky briefly visible outside my window! First since Monday here...
And, when I stood up, for a strip of sparkle on the sea. Ditto.

For a recent Come Dine with Me contestant using an early 1970s Kenwood Chefette. I only got rid of mine recently because it was so damn heavy. Built to last those things...apart from the very useful stand and bowl that went with them unfortunately.

For the continuing delight of Alan Bennett's Untold Stories...a collection of his own (mostly non fiction prose) compiled after being told he had a 50/50 chance of surviving cancer. It's not about cancer though...just about life and lives, things that have interested and moved him. I particularly enjoy it when some musing or opinion of my own is mirrored...and the thrill of recognition you get when your thoughts appear in someone else's writing is something he writes about!

Song song

Adele sang about chasing pavements but I've been chasing a prescription most of the last twenty four hours while a delivery of another one has been chasing me. Some clenching of teeth all round at the three local chemists, my GP surgery and by me of course in a comic/tragic tale more suited to Pam Ayres or Chas and Dave. Never mind, these things are sent to remind us all that my operation should improve the quality of more lives than merely mine!

I've had confirmation that the surgery is booked for a week today. I suspect a few butterflies will emerge when they make the first incision but mostly I am OK about everything. This is elective surgery afterall...my original care plan ran out ages ago and we're in the equivalent of January 2013 on the Mayan calender!

Special thoughts to Jessica who is having an operation herself today, to Juanita recovering from one, and to Tony who seems to be on the mend and gathering strength for another round in the ring. A bucket full of love and strength to Carol in her quest to get to tick off some items on her list and to dear Carole of whom we've heard nothing for a while but who is in many of our thoughts. Metta requires that you wish all beings to be well, be happy and at peace. In some cases it's more, as Meat Loaf said, of two out of three ain't bad...

I give thanks to Rachel for coming up with the idea of asking for reconsideration of surgical intervention, for Dr Galli for agreeing to pass the request on officially and to Helen for confirming delivery of the patient at the appropriate time. To Primark for providing me with extra hospital wear at bargain prices. To the young man in Cafe Nero for seeming to genuinely mean it when he said my good humour had brightened his day, but for brightening mine anyway by saying so!

To Jared for his company on a well timed pre-planned trip to the wonderful Olive Tapas Eatery and for introducing me to this excellent song about the newspaper I realised the other day could legitimately be renamed the Daily Malice...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=youtube_gdata_player&v=5eBT6OSr1TI

With all these names this post reads rather like an acceptance speech. All well and good. Let acceptance be the thought for the day...

Three cheers

Hurray for Reiki, that made me feel a bit better! You might think I'm kidding myself it did, you might even 'know' so... but so what? I felt a bit stronger and that's fine by me as I've been feeling a lot more unwell than I'd like to. I was able to get a few chores done when I came home, make a bit of proper food instead of opening a tin or packet...and eventually clear my plate... To get into bed on the sofa early and appreciate the resting not fall straight to sleep. Gratitude for those...and also for, not just less pain (which may well have been the antibiotics finally kicking in) but also just having pain not being totally 'in' it. You can take pills and potions that make that change of course...the effect of opiates is often described as 'I could still feel the pain but I didn't care'...but I hadn't ingested anything obviously opiate so I'm putting that down to the Reiki definitely.

Hurray for the lovely Janet who treated me, what a pleasant and interesting lady she seemed to be. And for the taxi man who didn't turn up...but who had a marvellous excuse - just after my call he was commandeered from the rank by a policeman to deliver two absconders back to school and to wait with them there til their parents came. You couldn't make that one up could you? It reminded me of men in raincoats and hats jumping on to the running board of bystanders' boxy motors and shouting 'Follow that car!' in monochrome movies... He told me about the drama when he'd finished his part and came and found me slo-mo trundling down the hill on my own two feet and took me where I was going for free! I love that the taxi drivers know where to find me and take me and that some of the shopkeepers know what I like to buy and what days I'm likely to do so. It's good to feel in some small ways you are a part of things.

Hurray for a good sleep and the opportunity for a long lie in this morning...the first one all week and for which I'm truly thankful ! I'm grateful I SEEM to have been able to send some emails finally last night as I'd been having a few problems with that on my Streak...but if you are someone who hasn't has one and think you should have done please let me know and I will try again.

Treating pain

Ow! Ow! Ow! I was in hospital once with a woman who actually said 'ow' which, when you think about, it people don't often do...well not in public in England in adulthood...or not as much as she did. It's more common to groan or scream or swear (if you can't keep a silent, stiff upper lip of course!) and some research suggests that swearing may actually help as long as you don't do it all the time even when you're not hurting. If you live on your own you can do whatever you feel like of course. I've been making a lot of relatively involuntary 'in pain' sounds in the last twenty four hours and have decided that 'ow' has it's uses in that there are associations with those little hurts of childhood that a dab of Germolene and a hug make go away. They suggest the pain could be kissed better...ah yes...I see where this is going...round in a circle back to oxytocin! I keep meaning to express gratitude for Angela finding my blog, then finding the books and then offering to send them to me if I didn't have copies. Isn't that kind...isn't kindness good for you? Ha ha!

I give thanks for finding things to do during the night when the pain woke me and I couldn't get back to sleep. I did some metta and did some research for a friend and wrote a couple of messages. I also rummaged in my bedside biscuit tin for some oatcakes which were a pleasant distraction. What's that? Doesn't everyone have a bedside biscuit tin? Oh well, I give thanks for having that bright idea too!

I give thanks for managing to get showered and dressed before the earliest time the nurse could come...and that they didn't so that I could lie down again afterwards! I'm also grateful that I have that Reiki this afternoon as I'm sure it will help my spirit to get out in the fresh air and I have a package to collect from the Post Office too so I can do a round trip with taxis. Who knows I might even feel a little healed!

Warm thoughts to Tony, Juanita and Carole...I hope that you are being treated well in all senses of the phrase...

Roll over

It took me three goes to roller a coat of paint on a pretty small wall. My kidney didn't like the movement at all...I think it waggled the tube inside or something and hurt a lot... but I got it done and then took off my Wonderwoman outfit and settled down on the sofa under the Oriental Sin quilt to watch a movie with subtitles which struck me as the best way to do nothing for an hour or two! I had something Nordic but not exactly noir...in fact rather dourly humourous. O'Horten. Very good. Gratitude for fortitude...and for giving up on that!

One of the breaks was to answer the phone to the nurse who had come to take the bloods I'd told them I didn't need taking. Don't know what I was thinking of this morning when I thought they were being organised eh? And no wonder they were too busy to come this afternoon if they were visiting people they didn't need to this morning. Oh well...

I'm grateful to Laura for coming this afternoon to do some more vigorous painting than I could do even with the sparkly suit on (but which couldn't be done til mine was - there is method in the work schedule you know!) She was very grateful for the pillow case and scraps from the aforementioned OS quilt cover make over for her own sewing projects. My goodness we're getting our £2.50's worth from that!

I'm just writing this waiting for my tea to go down then I'm back to bed as I developed a taste for lying down doing nothing earlier. You can have too much of this wonder stuff you know...

No arm in it

Good morning everybody, how are you? It's foggy again here but not so bright and I think above the low cloud is higher cloud not sun. That's fine, I'm not going anywhere - even out of bed (unless it's to get another cup of tea) seems a challenge too far though I would like to upload a couple of pictures I took yesterday on my camera so maybe I'll stir as far as the laptop in a bit. I give thanks for my comfy sofa bed as I did a little painting in the bedroom late yesterday afternoon and left everything in there in hopes I'd do a little more today before the nurse comes. Gratitude too for the pretty cut down to size 'Oriental Sin' duvet cover which makes an old throw look extra comfy and cozy.

I give thank too for doing that little bit more painting. It's getting really hard to push myself now and even though I always go that bit further than I think I possibly can, my body is making it very clear that even the discomfort zone has limits! There's a serious skirmish going in between drugs and bugs at the moment and I've promised myself that if I just put that second coat on this morning I can do very little between that finishing and my Reiki tomorrow so that they can get on with sorting it out. Of course my 'very little' is often more than the average car driving coach potato but whether I'm kidding myself on this or not I do tend to feel that being relatively energetic for an ill person keeps me relatively well for one...and being a relatively solitary one means I have to be so best to believe that anyway!

Now just after I finished writing that paragraph I had a call from the nurse to ask if they could come tomorrow instead of today as they are really busy so that's blown the big lie in tomorrow before Reiki... but it does mean less head and clothes changes today so all well and good really. I'm also extremely thankful they let me know in reasonable time much better than waiting to the end of the day...

Gratitude for getting out and meeting Heidi and Ivor yesterday, lovely to see them and very thoughtful of them to remember that I might like to go somewhere we could sit outside for our lunch. I am, as they know, a great fan of doing almost anything al fresco and it was such a beautiful spring day.

I stuck my arm out of my living room window yesterday morning to take this without Sky dish, window frame, terrace etc but without actually being able to see through the view finder I had to wait and see if it worked...

And just a couple of minutes later it looked like this. At first I thought it was a different angle as they look so different but when I uploaded them and looked properly I could see I had actually managed to get my arm in pretty much exactly the same place.

Out to lunch

I give thanks for the surprise of fog this morning...it looks bright and as if it will burn away which is good as I'm due to go to Totnes to meet Heidi and Ivor for a spot of lunch and I don't think they would come if it doesn't.

I give thanks also for having the offer to join Dan for a bit of a walk and/or lunch and though I'd have enjoyed this it was also an unusual and not unpleasant experience to have to say no because I was already booked!

I give thanks that I filmed the long rolling waves at Bude last month as I've been watching them on my Streak today...

I'm grateful also for finding a hairbrush that goes through my hair. This is something you can never try before you buy unfortunately and my 'new' hair is very demanding! I looked at the Tangle Teezers in Boots at over ten pounds but decided on a cheapy thing from Superdrug, also preferable because it wasn't shocking pink!

I'm grateful I hurt so much today because I can tell myself it's because I worked so hard yesterday. Deep down I know this is not entirely true but a rather helpful self deception!

Watchamacallit

Mmmm, great day for letting paint dry...what a bummer you have to do the painting first though, eh? Spare me the 'just sit still and chill' advice, that's what I'm doing in between coats - how else would I be writing this? Actually I'm having rests during coats too if need be...courtesy of a damp cloth and a plazzy bag to put the brushes in. I just know me though and though I'll be pleased to be home from hospital after my operation I'll hate seeing my bedroom in the state it is now especially as I won't be able to do anything to improve it for several weeks so the little bit of small scale cracking on I am capable of must be cracked on with now!

It helps that I have a 'finishing' job to do today because it's always nice to see fruits of ones labours rather than just doing the boring necessary prep. Today I decided if I did nothing else useful I was going to get the whatever it is satin coated in the bedroom. I don't know what they're called...I may have made them up...but they're very pretty anyway! Basically when the partition wall was put up to make the bedroom many moons ago the existing picture rail was left on three sides and on the blank new wall there was just a bit of textured paper put up on the top part to 'match' the textured paint on the ceiling and adjoining frieze areas.  I'd racked my brains for a way to make the arrangement easier on the eye without removing said paper and replacing it with textured paint and replacing all the picture rail...and finally I came up with the watchamacallit. It's just a bit of wood with a bit of paper and paint on it but it's turned an 'Oh that's a shame' to an 'Oh that's pretty' so I'm rather pleased with myself.

I'm grateful for the sunshine anyway...and for the promising sound of rather well spoken new neighbours downstairs enjoying it. I know it sounds snobby but I do like it when people I share the building with do more than shout and swear! They have a little girl, or one visiting and she was involved in some game of imagination that included the line 'I'm in a world of my own but I'm in this world too'! I hope they stay and I get the chance to meet them they sound right up my street! I'm grateful for the energy to get a few little jobs done and the news that Laura hopes to get the ceiling finished (well at least the first coat) on Tuesday as this is definitely beyond me. I'm grateful for Ashley Banjo's Secret Street Crew which I wasn't going to watch because of all the hype but love now I've succumbed. Love the premise...always wanted to do something similar to the mini flash mob surprise element at the finish when I was working. Love the confident boosting (eventually) of the unlikely performers and the way they get to find their inner dancer underneath their fears and inhibitions. Very funny and moving too despite the hype!

Me time

Wow! Get me! I've completed all my out in town tasks and the decorating chores I'd set myself too. I'm not expecting to do much more than snooze and graze for the rest of the day and for a large chunk of tomorrow too I'm thinking, though that naggy little inner voice will probably keep reminding me that there will be plenty of time for that soon enough!

Much gratitude for my lovely friendly home town, waking up for the season now. It always feels as if you're on holiday here...Also for the unexpected delight of going to check the price of getting my bedroom curtains cleaned and ending up booking two pre op Reikis for the price of one in the same place! This is a newish business that combines a variety of laundry services with a variety of therapies so that you sparkle inside and out... I always check that practitioners are OK with treating cancer patients as some are wary but this lady turns out to also work at the local hospice so she's absolutely fine with my various maladies...

Big thank you also to my cousin Sally for my belated birthday presents and card which were partly belated as I took so long to get to the Post Office and collect them! I'm so glad to be back in contact with her again after so many years. I'm hoping she will also be willing to join in a little project I have brewing for later in the month. I've already asked Carol and she's game and the more the merrier though merry it must be!

Let me explain...of all the stuff that's bothering me about going to hospital the one that's praying on my mind just now is what about my blog? This is not just an outlet for my rambling mind it's a focus for positivity. Where are we going to get our five a day if I'm not laying them out on a plate as it were? And here's the plan I've come up with...you are going to provide them! Yes, dear readers I want you dig into your joy pockets and sprinkle a few crumbs on here while I'm gone. If five of you manage one or two pleasures or praises to share in a comment each day to share there'll be something for us all to read. I know you can do it and I want to be amazed how well! I shall remove the authentication and approval temporarily to make it easier for you not to complain about that for starters...so start thinking about some things you could be grateful for...

Birdsong

This morning I give thanks for yet another undisturbed evening and night. How I love peace! For the particularly tuneful birdsong first thing in the morning. I'm no birdie I'm afraid - I can't tell you what I heard apart from the fact it wasn't a pheasant, a peacock, a cuckoo, a duck, a lark, an owl or a seagull...they are pretty much all the ones I know by ear!

I don't think I've ever lived anywhere with as many mature trees nearby and the fact that some are nearer than others gives a wonderful depth to the morning chorus sound. When I first moved in I used to say it sounded like a rain forest...and of course it doesn't at all but it's that layering of calls in distance and direction that I meant that for many of us we only hear on TV programmes about rain forests...

I give thanks for the pattern on the fabric of my pajamas which is always pleasing to my eye - a soft grey with small white almost geometric flowers at intervals and wish I didn't have to take them off to go and do the chores!

Baggy fit

For some reason my body clock has been keeping hospital hours for a couple of weeks now and I've been dozing off before what I (and the TV schedulers) consider bedtime and waking up before full light. Today I managed to get back to sleep again before making myself some tea and cinnamon toast...mmm...love cinnamon toast!...and had been enjoying a cosy lie in before realising one of my connectors had sprung a leak and I had to get up and strip the bed and get the washing on. There are many things I won't miss about my nephrostomy and the various places it can leak are one of them... To be fair the kit I have now is better than the standard one fitted at hospitals which includes a connection between two tube ends not actually designed to fit together at all and which have to be taped together. I kid you not! Nephrostomies are stuck in a backwater of medical technology and no that is not a pun! I give thanks to Manfred Sauer for coming up with the (somewhat) more user friendly arrangement and, perversely it may seem, that I only have one kidney because to be honest two of these contraptions at the same time must drive you up the wall!

I give thanks also for remembering to look up when on city buses yesterday and seeing the decorative brickwork under the guttering of a pub I used to live near but which I'd never noticed before...and a very topmost bud of a magnolia tree beginning to open and show its pinkfulness.

And...before sleep overtook me catching up on some recorded TV. Gok Wan's Made in China and the first episode of a series about behind the scenes Venice...both very good. The latter reminded me of a stay in Venice when I woke up to the sound of builders outside the hotel and looked out of the window to see their boat version of a van being unloaded. Suddenly the intrusion was picturesque and interesting, ha ha! Gratitude too for the armchair travel permit that is TV and internet...

Oriental sin

Well that was an interesting day! Having heard that my operation is provisionally scheduled for two weeks tomorrow I realised I'd better do some stuff in the city in my 'lunch break' between appointments. I had a delicious lunch (alone!) of leek, apple and blue cheese tart and salad in a vegetarian cafe called Plant Food overlooking the cathedral green followed by a little light retail therapy including a purchase from Wilkinson's that is listed on the receipt as 'Oriental Sin' at £2.50. It was actually a single duvet cover set in a vaguely oriental design which is exactly what I'd been looking for to cut down to fit a favourite but very tired looking quilted throw and yes it really was £2.50 in their sale! So gratitude for those little treats and also for the pretty journey on the train along the coast and around the estuary...

I've come home with all manner of info and kit from the hospital including a pretend stoma to attach to your tummy to practice changing bags. I'm OK with that but have made it clear that if they think I'm going to wear a bag filled with water for a day or two to get used to the feeling of 'carrying' it and draining it (as also suggested) they have another think coming. My hands (and other body parts) have enough of bags and taps to deal with already thank you very much! Would you in my position I asked the stoma nurse? He declined to comment!

Everyone seems very positive about the sense and sensibility of having this surgery but rather worried about the lack of support and care in my personal life for the first six weeks or so afterwards. Yeah me too... and if anyone local reading this has any nurturing urges please feel free to demonstrate them over here during April!

I'd just finished typing that and the phone rang and it was Clive to ask if I'd heard any more about my operation. This was completely random and unconnected to my hospital visit today but he said to be sure and let him know when I'm going to be there as he will visit. Bless him... I know he will, he's done so before. He even did my washing once when I was in for a long time! Thanks also to Helen who has said she will take me there on admission day. She too has done this before as she goes that way early for work so not a huge amount of extra inconvenience for her but HUGELY appreciated by me! I'd finished typing that and looked up in time to watch a rather graceful blue and white tanker gently inching it's way through the safe passage towards our own estuary. Something else of which I'm very fond...and which reminded me of the full moon shining through a little gap where the curtains weren't pulled quite shut yesterday evening curtain...moved my head and there it was. So sudden and bright it made me jump!

Anyway I must away and practise convalescing...Hope you have all had a reasonable day...

Twiggy

Well, that was unexpected...I went out after dark last night! Laura and I were busy with various decorating tasks later than expected and she had to hurry off to get changed and have some tea before going to a talk on Fair Trade fruit and nuts. Then just at the last minute when she was about to leave she asked if I would like to come along to it. I've been feeling rather rough the last few days but it's so rare I have the chance to do anything remotely sociable in the evenings so we arranged that I'd walk down and meet her there and she'd give me a lift back. As putting my bedroom back together and getting changed and walking down actually took all the time I had before it started I missed my own tea so we got some fish and chips afterwards to eat in the big carpark where the river meets the sea.

Once in a while, maybe three or four times a year, I'll go out somewhere with friends and just after Christmas I walked down to the station with Bob in the evening to see him off on the train but I think the last time I left the house on my own after nightfall was to meet Laura to see some fireworks in November 2010! I worked that out as I plodded down the road marvelling at moonlight shining on my skin. But what I couldn't get my head round at first was what the situation reminded me of...and then I twigged...it reminded me of having a life, ha ha! I'm grateful for the memory of getting out and about more often. Even though I didn't have the most splendid of social lives I used to work evening shifts often so the night wasn't always separated from me by bricks and glass. I give thanks for a great big map of Pakistan and surrounding countries to pore over (with symbols that seemed to represent routes of camel trails!) and some tasty free samples to tempt us to buy. And for the delicious Fair Trade chocolate caramels I came home with... nothing to do with this particular talk but so yummy I would like to get in the bag and eat my way out!

I give thanks for a few more chores done in the bedroom. I wasn't up to doing a lot myself so my job was making the textured border narrower as we hadn't been able to get a piece of wood the right size to stick it on. For the bizarre sight of a pheasant in tnhe communal gardens. I know they're overgrown and shrubby at the edges but I don't think we are breeding pheasants there...yet can't think where it could have come from - it's not as if they fly very far! And for the equally bizarre dream I had in which a tests revealed my body wasn't absorbing enough ginger and I had to go to a special unit in Yeovil to find out more!

Here is the view from my bedroom window yesterday...isn't it beautiful? Sometimes people say 'Oh what a shame there are so many trees!' but if there weren't I'd see far more buildings and roads. Whatever the pheasants might think I don't really live in unspoilt countryside...

This post is dedicated to Carole...in the hospice now, to Juanita...off to hospital tomorrow for surgery to hopefully keep her well, to Tony...already in hospital and hopefully getting better and to Kostas... waiting on Death Row to see if his is the next number to come up in the political lottery of capital punishment.

Snoozeday

Just a few little grateful thoughts for a very dozy day...

Little buds getting bigger on the tree outside my window

Singing birds and sparkling sea

A neighbour's cats going along when she walks her dog in the gardens

A nice long email from Bob

That Laura is coming to do a few decorating jobs this afternoon because I seem to have run out of steam myself.

Don't even have the energy to sit and knit a rainbow...

Day off

I had to go out today. I don't just mean there were things I needed to do in town but I also needed to be outside as I hadn't gone further than the front door since Thursday and it was so foggy then it was hard to tell where I was! Yesterday I wore myself out trying to get some decorating prep done and fell asleep after my tea, so I ordered a little sunshine for today and ordered myself to abandon all but the most necessary chores and get out there while it was still shining...and I'm very grateful to myself for doing so! There was a bracing and nippy wind but if you could find shelter from it the sun had some real warmth in it and the sea was so brightly sparkly that for the first time this year I wished I'd worn shades...

I'm grateful for all the lovely spots there are around here...for the two beaches with their different purposes and personalities and for all the well placed refreshment providers and seats. For the friendliness and sense of community, always someone to say hello to which is a precious treat for solitary souls like me. For still being able to potter about sometimes even if only once in a while for a little while...and for a nice long snooze on the sofa after lunch when I got home. I am so lucky to be able to rest and I give thanks for no interruptions and infusions either to facilitate this. Effectively I've lost the second half of the day by spending some of the first outdoors strolling around...but it's an issue of quality sometimes isn't it, not quantity? I've had a couple of off days lately, finding it a struggle to keep the plates spinning and the spirits up and although I could think of all kinds of remedies I couldn't have, I could give myself a 'day off' so I did!

For Carole

Thinking of Carole this evening. Such a lovely lady she has always seemed to me although I've never actually met her. I have admired her perception and honesty since first encountering her on the Cancer Research forums where she had been encouraging and supporting other members for over a year already, and I was honoured to become one of her friends on Facebook and share some private thoughts with her on what to do when the doctors say there's little more that they can.

This sounds like an obituary but it's not. Carole is still with us and still fighting but it sounds as if she is reaching the stage when it's kinder to wish her a peaceful retirement from the battlefield than to take up arms again. If she rallies I shall be cheering with the best of them... and anyway why wait til someone is out of earshot to say good things of them? Of course, if people come together in a place like a cancer chat room there's always the knowledge that friendships may be cut short. Sometimes, just like in 'well world', it's hard to get your head round the order of things though...

I give thanks for having the opportunity to know Carole a little, and that she is being loved and cared for at this difficult time. For intense blue sea with a multitude of white foam flecks like stars on a painted ceiling. For getting some decorating jobs done in between a telly fest. And for Neil Oliver's voice. They've got him advertising Scotland now...didn't he already, he he?

Step up

Back in my slightly redecorated bedroom last night. I love the shape of the space with the slightly rearranged furniture. The two walls that were mostly lining papered are now ready for the rest of it. The timber that was added on the blank stud wall has been undercoated ready for the textured border to be applied. These are not jobs for me but there's more prep I can be doing while waiting for reinforcements to take them on, along with finishing painting the ceiling...

I have a few little tasks in mind for progress today and as long as I get one done that will be progress. Though not attaching too much importance to progress or stressing about its lack is progress too of another kind, of course! I shall see how I feel when up and dressed and allot chores according to my current strengths and weaknesses. Some of them involve scraping so best left if the arthritis in my hands and wrists is playing up. Some involve paintbrushes so best left if the numbness and weakness in my arms seems particularly noticeable. Some involve bending which seems to exacerbate renal and urological pain and some involve the big ladder. This is more of a struggle since losing some of the sensation in my lower legs and feet but I've always tended to be a bit unbalanced standing on things. Some would say the last part of that sentence makes perfect sense without the final three words...

I give thanks that, apart from the neurological damage, most of the above is intermittent. And that the spirit is willing at least! It may feel like I'm climbing the rigging on this old boat in Brixham harbour but I'm not. Just a few steps up and close by the comforting wall...





Did anyone see the meteor I wonder? I noticed at bedtime that the sky was brighter than I thought it ought to be and found myself peering around for a full moon I knew wasn't there. Not long after that everything went completely dark but that was me falling asleep....

Made up

This evening I give thanks for polished taps and carpets cleaned right up to the skirting board. If I'm going to pay someone else to clean I want them to do it as well as I would have done. And to do it that way naturally so I don't have to watch and ask!

I give thanks for finishing making my new flat door curtain...or remodelling the old one - however you care to think of it. I think of it as new although one side is old. It's more cosy and more decorative than the old one on its own so use AND ornament, eh? I give thanks for the literal cliffhangers of IRT and filling up with filo pies. When I ran out of feta I made one with chopped apple, marzipan and apricots which were the first things that were to hand. Very bad and equally very good!

And I'm grateful I decided not to do any decorating today because I've been stuck in horizontal mode for an hour or so now and am not sure I could have done more. I'm also grateful for knowing 'made up' means very happy because I've just discovered not everyone does...it's 'regional' apparently. It's not made up, anyhow..

Wake up

The OU course on world religion I studies had a few lines in it about most of the major ones starting when a man had an idea about how to live better. It went on to explain that as long as the first man and his first followers stayed together then they may indeed live better but that as soon as the new word spread and was practiced at other times and places then differences arose and tempered the benefits of the epiphany on the lives of those involved. The original idea had to be interpreted, and maybe argued over and enforced, with rifts growing or power struggles between members taking them further from the spirit of the original inspiration which tended to revolve around being compassionate and pure in thought and deed. Sometimes one of the followers would then have an idea about how to live better...

This section of the coursebook had a profound and lingering effect on me. Last night I had a profound and lingering dream that I was explaining what God really is to someone in front of the mirror over the basins in a ladies' toilet. I was quite vehement about it, that they understood and embraced the concept - not my usual 'Yes, well, you make your own arrangements...' self at all. And I woke up and thought 'Wow!' because it still made sense, as profundity in a dream has a tendency to become drivel in daylight. Of course I'm not going to share it with you...you must make your own arrangements! I give thanks for the dream and thought though...

Now I must tidy up so my new cleaner can actually clean! I don't understand cleaning before a cleaner comes but if you can't put your own crap away how on earth can you expect someone else to know where it goes? I give thanks for a strong breeze blowing the fog away and for a sunny bright day and for being able to see the sea once more.

Close up

I'm sorry I felt a bit sorry for myself yesterday and there's no need to tell me there's no need! Whilst airing one's fears and woes can be appropriate and even welcome in some circumstances - during counselling, after being asked 'How are you feeling?' by someone close or who needs to hear others are needy etc - I'm of the opinion that often a problem shared is not a problem halved but a problem doubled. If you are a caring person but not willing or able to help someone else then hearing about their difficulties can produce conflict as you wrestle internally as to which of the former you are not and if you are not a caring person you will be just be bored! With a huge public readership like mine (yeah, dream on honey!) this is magnified or multiplied and fretting about possible future problems is not something I condone so I'm not apologising to you guys when I say I'm sorry, I'm saying I wish I hadn't. And as regrets are also a waste of precious time we'll say no more eh?

What I aim to do is make people go 'Oooh' and 'Aaah' not 'Oh dear' so I thought I'd have a look through my picture library for inspiration and found this heavily zoomed shot of a beach on the outskirts of Newquay from a few years ago...

And this one - also the result of hammering the plus button on an image of the high summer view from my bedroom window. Both made me smile to see them again and I hope they do you too!


So what else is new and toothsome to the soul? Primroses on the grassy bank of the car park and deep violet Devon violets on another one going up the hill. It was only after I came to live in Devon that I realised that they really do grow quite profusely down here and it's not just a name on granny's perfume. Beautiful little flowers they are...like amethyst earrings on stems...and the leaves are pretty too.

Also thanks for excavating the freezer and finding a lost bag of hash browns so that there's a tasty brunch cooking itself for me in the oven now...That an appointment from next Wednesday has now been moved to Thursday. It's not that I really want to spend the whole day at the hospital but I'd rather not have two consecutive days used for two appointments but fit them all in one. There'll be a couple of hours between when I can escape to the Force centre or maybe back into town to get some Lushly treats. Or maybe meet a friend for lunch. I shall advertise my availability in Facebook so local friends on there beware! And for watching the fascinating ongoing competition between the fog and the sun that's been going on all morning...ball's in the fog's court just now...

Back up

I often get a kind of power surge after acupuncture. It's brilliant but has to be used wisely as you never know how long or strong it will be. One of my favourite things is to walk home via the sea front and up the hill with less moaning and groaning and huffing and puffing than usual. Sometimes I stop at the cafe if it is open but today it was shut. It might have been open earlier but I think perhaps not as the fog was so thick. Standing on the promenade you could see just a few feet to the first wave then nothing. The guys in the coastwatch lookout station said they'd had a fun day together but had had nothing to watch but a seagull or two. Amazing treat to be out and about in it on foot, not in a car.

So what else did I use my power for? Well I painted a couple of square metres of 'hide and seal' emulsion in the bedroom and a couple of linear ones of woodwork and made a yummy vegetable crumble with nutty topping ready for wind down time. Much gratitude for both of those...There's a spare portion in the freezer for when I come out of hospital. I must do what I can to make things easy for then. Most people I know who have had major abdominal surgery need a bit of looking after after but when I've mentioned my fear of the lack of it people either say 'Oh you're so tough, you'll manage' or 'Hmmm yes it will be hard' so unless I keep saying it and someone finally responds 'I'll pop in and see if there's anything I can do' or 'be sure and call if you need help' I'm guessing yes it will be hard and I'll just have to be tough... Going down the five flights of stairs to get the post or take out the rubbish is going to seem like journey to the centre of the earth...and back!

Elemental

Lovely thick mist this morning. I'm very grateful for this as I'd thought if it were sunny I 'ought' to get up early and bustle about so I could enjoy a leisurely sit by the sea before acupuncture...Does anyone else suffer from pleasure 'oughts'...how silly are they, eh? I ought to do this, that and the other before I have fun is bad enough but I ought to be enjoying myself is downright perverse!

I've been feeling 'reet poorly' the last few days and have to watch out for cancer paranoia which, of course, you can get even if you've never had the disease but adds a creeping horror to all manner of bodily awareness if you have! Yesterday, before tea, I made myself do a small section of painting with some extra thick paint kindly donated by John and Jo last year. This was a cunning plan as a) yes, I wanted the extra horrible stretch wall I'd revealed covered up while waiting for lining paper...but also b) because I then had to sleep on the sofa and could start mid evening with the TV chuntering away keeping me company as I drifted off. Sometimes when you're not well you want to be alone but sometimes it does you good to have a bit of company. I would like the universe to be aware that curmudgeonly old recluse as I may seem, I am open to more warm interaction with select members of the human race! In the meantime I give great thanks for the element of Baldrick in my genetic code...and a little virtual chitter chatter now and then...

I'm grateful for the news via Environmental Health that 'a contractor has fixed the problem of the leaking boiler' upstairs as this sounds as potentially promising development not least as it suggests there was actually a problem which has always been strenuously denied before...and for an Essex wallpaper company agreeing to send one roll of textured border by post instead of by courier.