Desperate

I give thanks for regaining the plot a little after a bit of a meltdown today. It's always a tad challenging trying to arrange two treatment Friday given that oncology and renal seem to have very little grasp of the other's discipline, the ward clerks act as if you are just being plain bloody minded having two serious illnesses at once and, as the patient, doing this on a Wednesday not knowing if on Thursday you'll be told the blood tests - or worse still the scan - show your cancer therapy won't proceed, can be rather stressful in itself. To complicate matters further there's a new computer system causing the kidney unit ward clerk to lose the plot herself and lose her rag if you ask her to use it for anything at all...so, to spare you all the ungrateful details (and to spare myself going through them again in my mind), there reached a point this afternoon when I began to wonder if I should just do everyone a favour and forgo all further life prolonging interventions as there didn't seem to be any practical way two treatments were possible at all, unless I agreed to have my blood scrubbed and polished straight after having the immunotherapy drug pumped in - which isn't desperately sensible and would involve being transported home for around bedtime. I give thanks for a Plan B being borderline workable, and trying to get my head round having to go in early to one hospital site, come home late (but hopefully not quite so late!) from another, and not only make my own way between the two not desperately close locations but make my own way home by means of a not desperately scenic (or regular) after sunset bus.

I give thanks for moving some of the furniture and furnishings back into place...but not all all of the way as not only are there more jobs to be done, but I'm wondering if maybe I'd like a slightly different arrangement...at some future date, when I've recovered from whatever the next few days may bring. For the very unflappable and friendly sister being on hand when someone new to my arm panicked about putting the needle in the tricky vein, and also when my blood pressure started going too low again. For a Plan B dinner cooking when Plan A didn't defrost in time to be manipulated into a meal. For my sofa and remote control beckoning...