Catfish

Oh my word...Catfish is on More4 at 10 pm. Record it just for the pleasure of being able to tell me to stop going on about it, ha ha! I give thanks for getting more talking and writing done about the freeholder thing yesterday and then getting some tea and just chilling with the wonderfully droll Coach Trip Brendan and 'celebrities', the sofa gripping gasp out loud roads on IRT Andes and then more laugh out loud fun on Come Dine with Me. Then I had one of my mini baths with Lushly goodness in and Alan Bennett read to me in bed...well he didn't really but I read some of his Untold Stories which I found in a charity shop on Thursday. I love the way he writes and because I know what his voice sounds like I kind of hear it like that in my head. I love being read to...and I actually like reading out loud. I used to read for a talking newspaper...much thanks for all these pleasures and memories too...

I promised myself I'm going to try to enjoy this weekend as much as possible, not get too stressed about serious stuff at all. Best of all I'd like some company and companionship...someone to give me a real hug maybe, someone really there just to hang out with, cook some food with, chat with... I'm so strong but I'm human you know? There's so much going on and it would be nice to have some time out!

I'm going to try not to fret or trouble myself with best or worse case scenarios regarding health issues or neighbours or the freeholder although someone did suggest he might send his heavies in to intimidate me which left me feeling very uncomfortable. I try not to dwell on the incredible vulnerability of many aspects of my living situation...and I would rather not be reminded. All the things that are most precious to you would probably be precious to me if I had them...and although I guess safety and support has always an element of illusion I would like a more of an illusion sometimes.

Thank you to everyone who wrote kindly and encouragingly yesterday. As Carole points out, the surgery they are talking about is major and the first time I heard of it (September 08) I cried because I didn't want it done...so it's kind of funny that it's become almost desirable to me now, don't you think? The reason it wasn't done was that after they found cancer elsewhere in my body they didn't think I had very long to live anyway. 'It' wasn't worth it, I wasn't worth it...take it how you will. So to still be here and still well enough to have them review and reconsider without even one full course of chemo is well...pretty astonishing and amazing in and of itself whatever else transpires...even if the next bunch of tests and scans show deterioration.

So think on chaps and chapesses...they may not have sussed out who, what or how yet but there are situations in which cancer does not behave as badly as it might. Let's hope they find out more about them, eh?

Even if they are able to operate, it's not a miracle cure of all my ills remember...I will still have cancer. I will still have only one kidney, and that still will be damaged. I will still have a bag. I will still have the stroke damage on my left hand side and numbness on my right that no one has been able to find the cause of. I'll still be billy no mates me lying in bed on a Saturday morning pretending to talk to people who are not there and wishing she had a 'real' life. I'm going to look into personality transplants...I wonder if I could get one on the National Health?