Warm up

First of all I give thanks this morning that I'm feeling better. Not a lot...but I like it (to paraphrase Mr Daniels). I have the kind of average hot/cold tired and aching feeling you get with an infection but that's pretty much a constant anyway, and the deep chill seems to have passed. I managed some ironing and important letter writing yesterday evening and I'm grateful that's done.

Today I'm going to lie in bed a while longer fantasising (correction: *creatively visualising* ha ha!) someone bringing me a cuppa and sitting on the bed and asking what I feel like doing today and how they can help... And me saying 'Well, you know what? I could really do with a bit of a rest...would you mind making me some breakfast?' And I can really feel them patting my hand and hear them saying 'Yeah, sure, no problem...what do you fancy?' And I can sense that amazing safe feeling of lying warm and snug and cosy knowing someone else is taking care of things... I can hear the clatter of pans, the bubbling water, the slicing of the crusty bread...I can smell the toast and taste the poached eggs! I give thanks for my vivid imagination, and so grateful that I am still capable of looking after myself so well, but sometimes...sometimes...well you know!

Anyway, I'm going to get up and go out and on a long slow bus ride. I don't feel especially keen but I'm going somewhere I should be able to get some tangible rewards and also it's training for that trip away I'm planning. That involves a long slow bus ride so I need to see how it feels when I'm feeling rough...in case I do when I travel there. If anyone's tempted to say ' Why don't you wait until you feel better?' please stop and think and don't!

Of course I won't travel if I feel absolutely awful but the usual day to day options for me revolve round a) day to day chores - cooking, housework, 'paperwork' etc. b) chores I've set myself - improve my flat and my soul, make pretty things for charity and so on and c) abandoning the tasks to simply be. All of the above usually involve discomfort, often pain, and all are ongoing in that even with good health and boundless energy they will never be 'done' but I do find it hard to let go of trying to do a) and b) 'first' - a) as if they are not kept up to date they might become too out of hand to manage at all and b) because they are pleasant and 'worthy' distractions from a)...and sometimes even c)!

Don't worry if you don't understand...don't worry and be extremely happy that you don't! A long 'death sentence' spent largely in solitary can be challenging for the spirit and mind but I have Kostas to empathise with me on that. You lot go and play, OK? But come back soon!