After another difficult night first of all listening to horrible rows and then trying to get them out of my head again afterwards I wasn't too keen on the 'getting up and getting out there' I'd planned, but equally not sure another day at home waiting for more was not in my best interests. I kept reviewing transport options and dangling destinations in front of myself but it was only as I was as close to 'dashing' for the bus as I am able to be these days that I actually decided where I'd like to go. I knew I was cutting it fine but I hadn't seen it pulling away in the distance so when it didn't arrive I thought it might be late...then I checked the bus stop timetable and that route has been cut right back since I last went on it. The timetable I'd downloaded on the internet in the morning had been like last winter - every hour - but that was out of date too it was 90mins between them and not worth waiting another hour with all other connections disconnected.
I've been experiencing some exasperations and frustrations lately and wanted a trip somewhere for a literally 'different perspective' so I could appreciate the irony anyway! I got a train instead in completely the other direction convinced there must be something in that direction I needed to find, to see, to appreciate... Half an hour later I wasn't so sure. Half an hour later I was seriously wondering if it was too late to devote myself to a life of contemplation, trying to work out if my medical needs would preclude it. Remembering this now I'm reminded of the Woman with no Fire of her Own...when she goes to visit the wise man on the mountain (posted on here somewhere if you need to refresh your memory)...There seemed to be so much unhappiness and anger and closedness in the people around and so few positive emotions showing or signs of inner peace. You might think I was mad to be looking for some and maybe that's true, but it's also rather sad that it's mad don't you think? That whatever people have in terms of love or wealth or health or knowledge or faith (and most people can tick at least one can't they?) the impression you often get from them is of negativity, stress and distress...
But I'm not going to become a Buddhist nun, not when there's still stuff I want to do...and I'm not going to move to a tiny island or away from it all rural retreat - though this is stuff I want to do it is not a practical goal. It's becoming clearer I simply must try harder! Because you can't change the world or the other people in it...only yourself! I'd just been listening to Nina Simone and thinking quite a few of the things she was listing actually could be taken away and then I came to the line 'What am I here for anyway?' and I began to remember! Soon the train was pulling out of the dark grey of the city and to where the light grey sky was reflected on light grey water and my spirits lifted. I experienced TONS of things to gladden my heart after that and I'll hopefully gladden yours with a list later or tomorrow. Oh, and I decided to listen to a lot more music at row time!
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