Worth less

Didn't sleep well last night, and woke up too early even for my morning pill. I miss my Streak...everyone should have something to hold in bed when they are out of sorts and I didn't have the energy to make a hot water bottle last night! I bought it

because sometimes the laptop is just too cumbersome when getting up/sitting up is too demanding, and the illusion of connection an internet connection gives you can be comforting. I'm still on the sofa and hope to tackle this today so I can move back to my bedroom later but it was emotional discomfort not physical that kept me awake. There were things in my day that got me thinking. Things in my conversation with the kidney chap (wish I could remember his name!) about 'sympathy fatigue'. He was trying to find out why I was so alone and I said that I had thought I had friends but it turned out I didn't but in the night it dawned on me an abundance of compassion is needed on both sides because I have to be sympathetic to others when they tell me how difficult it is to see me, or in many cases email or text or whatever and sometimes that is very trying.

Remember the day my cleaner left me? I couldn't change her hours to suit at short notice because I was trying to arrange to see a friend but then the friend said she didn't have time because she was working in the afternoon. Well, I hadn't heard from that friend since because she had been so busy but when she said she'd like to meet up and I had an afternoon hospital appointment I suggested meeting first but she was working in the morning. She wanted to know if I would go back into town after as she couldn't come over to the hospital because her car was being serviced that day. And I said I didn't know how long I'd be or how tired I'd feel after and she wanted a definite yes or no because she had something for me that wouldn't fit in her bag and didn't want to have to carry it around if I wasn't going to be. Which is fair enough and I apologised and explained that I hadn't been well and that was why I had this appointment and I didn't want her to go to any trouble if I might let her down ...and she said OK and I sent her a text before I went into the hospital confirming I'd be going straight home afterwards so she'd know for sure and wishing her a Happy Christmas and she didn't reply.

Now I don't know for sure if friends like these just find me such a total pain that even a half hearted attempt to stay in touch is a terrible nuisance but from the evidence I work on the basis that this must be the case and I must be sympathetic and appreciative of their efforts. Sometimes I wonder why they put themselves through it though...and me! People have been telling me since I was knee high to a table leg that there are lots of very important reasons why I can't have their attention and company and they can't seem to accept that I accept this and life would be much easier for us all if they didn't go on and on about it.

There, 'nuff said, I won't go on and on about it any more either (for now!). I shall make myself a cup of tea and have another lie down and think about things I'm happy about and leave you with this thought to ponder that is also praying on my mind: a long held, unrenewable life insurance runs out today...does that mean tomorrow I'm worth less?