Stuck

What a beautiful dawn sky there was today! Glowing stripey sky fading to pastels behind the bare branched trees. Um...that's it...that's all I'm grateful for! Sorry, I'm just such a misery just now. I was going to go out and get lining paper as we'd run out but the friend who has been helping me just texted to say she's got family staying and doesn't want to come this week and I burst into tears once again. That's all I seem to do lately and it really bleeps me off. I'm always stuck on my own and stuck with stuff I can't do - why do I deal with it so well some of the time and others just become unstuck and sink? The reasons people let me down will always hurt more than the inconvenience because they'll always involve activities and relationships I can't be part of so why do I take it with a pinch of salt some of the time and others it's like I've been peeling onions? I do find it quite unsettling having every room apart from the bathroom affected by the disruption from the delayed decorating but I do get that my need for harmonious surroundings is linked with my unharmonious personal life. I'm grateful I have a roof over my head and windows with great views to look out of wistfully.

And I'm grateful I'm not full of anger and hate. I don't even hate myself when I get depressed. A lifetime of isolation does not create great social skills. I do my best with what I've got and try harder when I realise I've failed. I have an important role to play in life (even though it's rarely a speaking part!) and I'm proud that I'm learning to play it. There's a need for a scapegoat that others can blame, the human elastic that can give when time is stretched, the person to make people realise how precious other people are, the outsider to make you more aware of the comfort and safety of belonging.