Friday 23 September 2011

Stepping out

Wow! Carole has a LOT of blog readers doesn't she? Thank you all for stopping by! I hope you paused to read some cheerier posts as well and will maybe come back another day...

I got my meds and an assurance that a letter has been sent to neurology. For those of you who don't read Carole's blog - it's no good you and your GP knowing you need something doing...someone with a much higher salary has to actually pop in the office and get involved. I'm really sorry to hear she's suffering while waiting too.



There was a fresh cool autumn breeze here and limited sun but I groaned my way up these steps under the trees to the stunning view at the top. I had a mug of tea afterwards at the edge of the sea wall just above the waves looking at the headlands reaching out beyond each other, yearning for the time when I could walk my blues away on the coast path and trying not to hate nimble people striding past me with rucksacks on their backs.



The way I feel right now if I have to have one more billy no mates pot of tea for one inside a cafe full of friend-full tables I'll drown myself in the milk jug (which I believe is technically possible and has probably already featured in some episode of CSI!) Six months ago I still had people to sit in cafes with...people I was in regular communication with to arrange such wanton socialisation. One, and in some ways this was best of all, actually kept a camping stove, kettle and the makings in the back of his car so he could brew up wherever he/we felt like it...a lay-by with a view perhaps. I loved that!

I don't know what happened to these people, where they went and why. Maybe I just literally outlived my tolerability, maybe they thought the end might get messy and they ought to make a dash for freedom while their consciences would let them. What was really spooky was that they all left at the same time though not part of the same family or social group themselves. Did they all meet in a cafe without me and form a pact?

Anyway I'm home now, tired and ready for TV and paracetamol. I'm grateful I have both!I express gratitude also for my deftness still with a filler and knife. I think when steadier hands than mine have papered and/or painted the bits I've reconstructed they'll look OK. 'Only' a few more square metres to go...and I give thanks for the smell of Earl Grey tea. The taste's good of course but that waft of bergamot. Mmm-hmm!

3 comments:

  1. Hi There Angel,
    Hope you dont mind me calling you Angel, I dont think I have come across another name. By the way, I didnt come here via Carole's blog...haha...infact I dont actually know how I got here to be honest! I've been a bit obsessed with cancer blogs over the past few months since finding out my brother has rectal cancer grade 3 and supporting him through operation and now chemotherapy. I havent commented on any until now. I wanted to tell you how much your blog has grabbed my attention and interest, how much I have enjoyed (not sure if that is the correct thing to say about a blog primarily about someone with terminal cancer??) and I hope very much that the thought of me "enjoying" your blog doesnt upset you! But enjoy it I have, very much. You have a natural talent for writing. I loved your story about the woman with no fire of her own. Given that you have said you have lost contact with your family, I wondered if it was atleast partially autobiographical?? I have "joined" your site and added you to my favourites so i can read you regularly. Hope this is okay? looking forward to next time....

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  2. Hi, also found your blog through Carole's. Beautiful, honest writing. I too have terminal cancer and swing between denial/hope and despair. I love that you like Bill Bryson, he is one of my favourites, I am reading At Home currently for the second time in as many months. The facts take some sinking in! His writing always reminds me of how much a part ALL our lives mean to this universe. And you are the only person who has ever read Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime that I have met! Great, great book. Anyway I read some of your blog last night and have not sent any messages to anyone since being diagnosed myself in Dec 2009, woke up this morning and felt I must contact you. I really connect with the issues you are facing. Not sure what else to say, but if you would like a penpal from Australia I am here for you. Juanita xx

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  3. I've read the Curious Incident of the Dog in the nighttime!! Loved it! Love Bill Bryson as well. Have read At Home and my 87 year old dad is currently enjoying it! We are all more alike than we are different. Wishing you a lovely day xx

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