The Princess and the Spaceman

It's story time again folks! Are you sitting comfortably? Then I shall begin...

The Princess and the Spaceman

Once there was a princess who reigned in the kingdom of her father’s heart. Her hair was long and unnaturally blonde; her eyes, despite their laser treatment, a misty myopic blue. She was just seventeen and her name was Chardonnay.

Now this princess had yet to find a suitable suitor. Her hand had been asked for, and other parts of her body too, but her parents reminded her regularly to preserve the precious jewel of her chastity and she was discouraged from mixing with the commoner types of the town. Chardonnay had never met anyone she desired enough to defy their decrees…until the spaceman that is. His name was %!#@ (which conveniently in earth speech sounds just like Adam) and he arrived on a cold, clear winter’s evening. Many people were outside looking up at the sky at the time but although they saw the brilliant lights of his landing craft and heard the loud noises it made, not one of them thought it strange.

Adam had been sent to the edge of the frozen north but had been supplied with suitable cover to protect his new-made human skin and to blend in with the locals of his apparent age and class and gender. With layers of loose-fitting clothing and a loose-limbed stride he set off to see what life on earth would bring.

The spaceman joined the crowds now moving away from the field where they’d been congregated and spotted a group of young male humans looking similar to himself up ahead. ‘Excuse me,’ he said, and ‘I beg your pardon,’ as he pushed his way politely towards them. Most people ignored him but one or two turned round and looked at him as if he’d come from another planet. Soon he was shuffling along with his ostensible peers and joined them in entering a nearby hostelry. To begin with everyone thought he was with someone else but by the time all had imbibed a few glasses of chilled fizzy liquid to warm themselves up he seemed like a friend anyway.

The first thing the spaceman noticed about the princess was how small her garments were considering the inclement weather. He moved in closer to inspect her flesh in case it had some invisible insulating layer he ought to make notes about.

‘Oy!’ said Chardonnay’s protective older cousin Leila, pulling him back from the princess’s ample breasts.

Remembering about personal space Adam apologised, and he and the princess had time for a little chat before she had to go home to the castle. Despite the awkward start she liked this boy, she confided to Leila later, he was different somehow and his smile was out of this world.

The spaceman found a room in house with others studying the mysteries of human existence. He was supposed to report back to the mother ship each night while earthlings slept but his fellow scholars continued their own research into the early hours and he got quite behind with his work. On the plus side though, through the machinations of scheming Leila, the princess was able occasionally to spend an evening there.

The first time they were alone together Chardonnay was rather nervous. She tried to remember what her cousin had told her, but found concentration an effort. She closed her eyes for a while and her little pink tongue poked out between her lipsticked lips as if relieving the strain on her brain.

A magical thing happened while the spaceman watched the princess thinking - a bit of him began to grow! The growing part felt very good but he vaguely recalled there was something he could do to make it smaller again that would feel even better still. If only he had paid more attention in the pre-flight seminars!

‘I’m not quite sure what to do,’ Adam admitted, but before very long they managed to work it out together. After that they wanted to practise their new skills a lot and the princess told many fibs to the king and queen regarding her whereabouts throughout the weeks that followed.

Soon it was a special season on that part of the earth when everyone did much more shopping. One of the things Chardonnay bought was a pregnancy testing kit but with all the other shopping she had to do she didn’t get a chance to use it right away. And then she had to stay home with the rest of the royal family for a couple of days and do a lot of eating so she wasn’t able to see Adam. Before long after that, however, there were even more celebrations as the little planet had turned once more around its sun. It would be a good time to do the test and tell the spaceman, the princess thought - a new year, a new life, a new baby. She knew he’d be over the moon, and her parents too when they realised what a perfectly matched couple they were.

But tongues had been wagging in the town and rumours reached the queen that very evening that her daughter had not always been babysitting every time she said she had. Luckily for the princess, her mother was too busy putting on her festive regalia to find out all the details immediately but she communicated her views.

‘You will not see that boy!’ she screeched, and Chardonnay was made to stay home and really baby sit for her own little princely brother Dwayne on New Year’s Eve instead of meeting Adam.

There was nothing much on television so she flipped through the pages of a magazine until she came to a quiz entitled ‘How well do you know your man?’ Some of the questions were quite hard to answer and then there was adding up the score…

Absorbed in the challenge, Chardonnay forgot all about her thwarted plans and only realised it was midnight when the fireworks began outside. She looked out of the window making ‘ooh’ and ‘aah’ noises. One rocket was different from the others coming up from behind the rooftops in a big ring of red coloured lights.

‘I haven’t seen one do that before,’ the princess thought, as she watched it rise up and up in the sky. ‘Now where did I put that kit thingy?’