Missing in action

When you've spent a lot of time with someone over several years you can become fond of their mannerisms and sayings, foibles and fancies... the things that make them them. Of course some of these habits can be irritating at times but you don't choose to have someone in your life for a whole chunk of it unless on the whole there's more endearment than exasperation. I miss those little ways of those I used to see a lot of and now I don't at all. I miss the shared memories and mutual reference points too as most of the people I do have contact with now I've only met recently...some I've never physically met at all, some I have but only since I became unwell. No matter how lovely they (that means you!) are, we are not old friends and never will be and it's not the same, like a long stay in a comfortable hotel room does not make it home. Don't be offended if you do know me and read this...you know what I mean I'm sure, for I am not your 'old friend' either.

So anyway, yes I miss people for themselves and the sense of continuity they created in my life, but also for the things we used to do together and the 'old me' they knew. Maybe they miss that person too...maybe that's why they're not around...who knows? Whatever. The combination of disappearing companions and deteriorating health means this summer, for the first time ever, I've not been able to get away from 'civilisation' and that just doesn't feel right at all. I need to see wide open spaces even if I can't stride across them any more. I need to be places where you get at most glimpses of human habitation or wheeled transportation. I give thanks that I'm well enough to care, I truly do, but I can't seem to stop caring.

So today, to stay sane (ish) a little longer I pushed myself to walk in instalments to the end of the sea wall where you can't go any further without heading inland or into it in the train tunnel so that no one could walk past me and I could be in my element in the elements for a while. And yes, bits of my body hurt...and several more bits are beginning to now as long unused muscles register their shock and indignation. But my heart and soul stopped hurting for a few hours and that was worth the physical pain.

My last two noted gratitudes of the day therefore are for finding the strength to literally 'go that extra mile' and for feeling solitude instead of loneliness for a while. Wonderful!